It is all too easy for us to blame others for our misery and misfortune because in many, many cases it can be their unfeeling actions which cause us hurt. In a world where everything is so fast, instant and focuses on such material gain we can often fall into the trap of being unaware that in fact we always have some power on how we are treated, how we respond to people who treat us bad and also how we set ourselves up for being a doormat or otherwise.
When we have no idea of who we are then, naturally, we have no idea of what we want or need to live happily and peacefully, we often have issues understanding boundaries. In addition, if we have patterns of shame and low self – worth which are not resolved, then we can also have real issues with boundaries and asserting them. Being unaware of our boundaries & not communicating them means that people can upset us or we forget our own needs in order to please them. Even then we can blame everyone else for our unhappiness and can very quickly evade accountability all together when in reality through our own lack of assertion, we may have put ourselves there in the first place.
Here are some signs that you’re falling into traps (sometimes of your own making!)
- People Pleasing – I know this all to well. Focusing on trying to get appreciation, acceptance and validation from people so going out of your way to help or please them at the detriment of your own desires. If you constantly do this over & over, you are literally screwing yourself over. Look at my post on low self worth and shame >> Go to post.
- Resentment – Resentment is a low level anger and blame towards someone or something which comes from an inability to a) be grateful for who you are/what you have, b) not expressing your boundaries regarding that person’s actions towards you c) not expressing your needs and thus feeling betrayed and upset by the person d) anger and hatred towards the self projected outwards onto someone else. If you feel resentful towards someone, look at why this is by questioning what is it you feel resentful about. Why do you feel that way? What is it about you that makes you resent them? What is it that you can do to change the course of this path or your feelings?
- Addictions – Any pattern of behaviour which does not help us in any way, stops us from moving forward, brings zero results & constantly keeps us from changing is an addiction. When our patterns of behaviour rule us regardless of what we wish we could do then we are consistently violating our own wants and desires because some essence of us still needs and holds onto the addiction. Aside from the obvious good examples are going to the gym 24/7 without seeing any change, being a slave to your job and hating every second of it, smoking & constantly needing to do something because you cannot sit still and even being unable to be alone in your own company for an evening. Addictions and patterns of behaviour are no joke & require professional help to get to the root of the issue(s). See thereachapproach.co.uk for more info on psychotherapy that works.
- Anxiety – Anxiety is a form of fear. It is when fight & flight response is completely warped and there is feeling of impending doom completely unexplainable to anyone who hasn’t felt anxiety. Interestingly, anxiety comes in all forms and often results in indulging in a behaviour (pills, gym, smoking, alcohol, drugs, taking a tablet, need to escape, sex etc) in order to curb the height of the feelings of anxiousness. Whilst these temporary fixes work time after time, the anxiety runs deep and will only cease to take control if we go deep into the reason why it is there. When you start to take control of your feelings about anxiety and take ownership of what you can do with it, such as question it, nurture it, befriend it and ultimately transform it then you can realise it is your biggest power. Anxiety helps you to see where you need to place boundaries and needs in order to live in peace and in accordance with your values so that you no longer feel like your a prisoner of yourself & actually the owner of yourself.
- Lack of Self Esteem – If you have little or no self esteem then the chances are you will constantly accept bad treatment and behaviour by people. If you fail to recognise your worth then you will most probably be treated in that way by yourself and everyone else. When you start to understand yourself as a unique and precious expression of the universe then you can start to know your power and worth. You are more than the sum of your thoughts, past and patterns. You are more than what your parents told/tell you. You are more than how people have treated you or made you feel. You are more than the car you drive or the job you have or the suit you wear to work. When you realise this, you will exude a natural power and confidence that means nobody messes with you. I learnt the hard way through constant abusive relationships to finally learn that I was worth love, affection and appreciation. It took me 27 years, so don’t you worry if you don’t get it by next week!
There is a lot more to this than meets the eye. A massive help is to start developing an attitude of gratitude, a deep sense of self love, a sense of personal power which is unwavering irrelevant of the way you are treated & get to the root of why you keep ending up in unfavourable situations.
We live in a universe based on vibrational attraction, so if your internal landscape is one of shame and lack of self appreciation… guess what, you gonna get that exact treatment. So start to question where it’s all coming from by asking with curiosity, “Dearest self-hate/shame/fear what are you here to teach me? How do you feel? What do you need?”
There are many more things you can do to cultivate more personal power and I’ll be sharing these in my next post.
Go gently and remember to know your worth. There is only one of you, you are valued, loved and a precious jewel and the university of life will not waste you!
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