Relationships, Intimacy & Fear: Are you screwing yourself over?

In a push/pull relationship? Want more depth from your current relationships? Struggling to establish a long term romantic partnership?

Read on and see how you can negotiate the way into real long-lasting & authentic emotional territory.

For some, the biggest challenge in life can be overcoming the fear of abandonment/withdrawal of love which many times stems from childhood. This, along with many shame based belief, can become the stumbling blocks for one to prevent them from truly living with emotional freedom.

Even after dealing with fears and limitations through deep psychotherapy, it can be that some fear based patterns become so deeply entrenched that even when one feels they have really dealt with that pattern, it can come back in a different form. This can be especially apparent in the self help movement where one is encouraged to spiritually bypass. Spiritual bypassing is avoiding going through the real depths of pain and shame and instead just deciding  hat they no longer wish to buy into that fear/pattern/belief. The belief is simply dismissed rather than metaphysically processed and dealt with into a completely new experience for growth.

When one brings fear based limitations into real world situations it might look something like this:

Holding back or withdrawing real authentic emotion in a relationship

Withdrawing from relationships when it becomes intimate/too real/we are feeling “what if it blows up in my face”

Creating arguments or conflict in relationships in order to gain emotional power or keep a distance

Patterns of serial on-off relationships (there can be more to this but generally speaking I would speculate that it’s a fear based pattern)

Not wanting to step forward in new relationships when feelings start to become tense and chemistry takes over

Keeping people at arms length or withdrawing communication when feelings become strong

Emotional Manipulative relationship dynamic / Victim Control Dynamic

& So on…

In a way for some this means that with deep, real & authentic connections, there is an inability to go further even when the soul consciously wants this. Make no mistake, I am not in anyway suggesting that we must take our many soulmate connections to the next level, however, if we are looking for a long-term romantic partnership and we’ve got our low-level fear that we are not addressing we will be subconsciously creating excuses to avoid taking it further.

One in this situation may find that they focus on the things that are not perfect, within themselves or the other, environmental blockages (location, time they can dedicate), they start to play emotional games in order to control the person emotionally, they may displace their energy into another avenue that is controllable (money, work), they may even convince themselves that “they should be whole on their own and love themselves enough without needing other connections or material happiness” (hehe my favourite kind of spiritual bypassing – I used to be so guilty of this!)
When at this point of fear in a relationship, in most cases there is a low level fight or flight response. Do we bolt & burn the bridge down to this person or do we stand in the face of the fear and give ourselves and this person the benefit of the doubt that they will not follow the patterns of figures in the past? 

If someone wants to have a deep loving relationship, but cannot, then it can them to look deep into the fears or the anxiety about taking relationships further and ask themself, “What is it you are trying to protect me from/what is it that I am scared of losing” [freedom, time, independence, happiness etc]. When one really listens to the voice of fear, it can help us shed light and negotiate with the fear.

Seems bonkers, but once you enter into a negotiation with the fear, it can be very transformational. Do not resist the fearful beliefs; if you turned up to therapy and the therapist started saying, “Well that’s just irrational/I wish you would go away/why can’t you just be brave?”, then you’d probably feel like a hunk of junk and never go back. Ever. So Speak with it as if to someone you deeply care for.

Try something like this:
“Dearest fear, what is it we need to work together on”
“I understand that you are trying to protect me, but I feel that we can pursue the beauty of this relationship further”
“I hear that you have been hurt in the past, but this experience has allowed us to become estranged. Can we work together to allow us to move forward to experience happiness?”
“I am ready to embrace this new relationship with you in order to work together and feel more free”

Find your own way. It doesn’t matter what you say, its the sentiment of understanding, compassion and empathy behind it. You may uncover some new insight.

If you are looking for deeper connections, whole love, a life partner, better friendships, improved family relationships then I have seen this in my own life to be the truth.
Do not be afraid to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are just doing their best. If you know it feels right, then do not allow the patterns of the past to define today. Human connection is the most wonderful thing and a blessing that we can share this so deeply with others. Face the fear and allow your emotional truth to flow from the heart.

Don’t be afraid to play all in when the emotions are high. Real courage only exists in the face of fear & the true nature of humans is love in its purist form.

Do not deny yourself this beautiful gift.

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